Setting up dreams

I have finally put my big girl pants on and am now dedicated to making my dreams come true on my own. At least I am trying.

Applying to jobs in the field of communications have been a bust. After two long years I finally got the hint. If I want in, I have to dig my own tunnel and create my own door.

I have been successful in getting a few works published but the amount printed and the queries rejected cannot be compared.

I am still pitching, that will never stop. Though I got to say, being rejected as much as I have takes a toll on the high spirits. My new approach is to network.

Through Instagram, LinkedIn, trying to figure out Facebook, networking is key.

I have decided to sign myself up with Upwork. I find joy in feeling validated when responding yes, to the question, “are you a writer?”

That is the plan for now. Keep writing, connecting and putting my work out on the web.

You want something done right, you got to do it yourself.

Embrace the mess. 

I am currently watching Being Mary Jane:The series, on NetflixAt the beginning of the first episode Gabrielle Union, who plays the lead quickly rushes all over her house to tidy up. She does a few adjustments to her own look, all because of a booty call showing up unexpectedly. I laughed so hard. 

When I was 18, living in Bangkok, Thailand, sometimes on the weekends you would find me doing the exact same thing. Meeting my one night stands were always random. Never planned out. This meant at the end of the night after the club’s closed, heading back to my place I would remember how dirty it was! I would make my partner of the night wait out in the coordinator, (I lived in a condominium) while I would go through my entire place like the Tasmanian devil. 

Throwing dirty clothes in the closet. Using said dirty clothes, to wipe off the mess on the counters. Then having to freshen myself up, all within 5 mins. This was always needed…clubbing in a tropical, humid climate does not flatter you when the lights go up. 

8 years later and I no longer make my gentlemen caller wait out in that hallway. I just don’t care. We both only care about one thing and it isn’t the state of my place…

Whether he is with you because he likes you or simply just wants to screw you. You should never have to feel like you have to change yourself or your dwelling because you’re embarrassed. Embrace it and he won’t even notice. At least not in the moment…

Do what you love

I lost my job two months ago. Currently I am selling my used underwear to guys with creepy Asian fetishes because, despite my efforts I am still unemployed. Not at all what I envisioned for myself when I graduated university two years ago. 

For the past two years I was dedicated to finding an entry level position within the field of journalism, communications or marketing. I applied to over 600 jobs on Indeed alone. This is not an over-exaggeration, unfortunately. 

When I wasn’t applying to entry level positions, I was working as a fill in bartender. A job that I had when I was in school, which I kept to pay the bills. 

I am somewhat of a work-a-holic. All my time and energy was divided between finding a job, so I could have consistency and keeping the other so I could eat. My train of thought went something like this,

Get a 9-5 job in your field. This way you can pay the bills on time. When you aren’t working, focus on blogging and pitching. Slowly I could gain experience doing the day job and pursuing my passion. 

I realized today that I should have been focusing all my time and energy into building up my portfolio. Picking up freelance gigs, constantly pitching and focusing on improving my writing during these past two years.

Now that I am left with fear and desperation, it is clear what I need to do. Go full time into making my dream happen. My grandmother always said,

If you do what you love, success will follow.

So I suppose in the end me losing my job may have been just what I needed. It opened my eyes and redirected my focus on to my passion, which is writing.

There is no security in insecurity

 

Young girls often have insecurities. It is something, young, old, tall, short, thin or fat have in common; how much we don’t like something about ourselves. Unfortunate for me and the vices that have taken my mind captivate; the two has resulted in unchangeable consequences, of which at this point of my life I am willing to accept.

The point of this post is to tell all you girls and guys out there that, even though you feel like you don’t matter, you do! Whenever you think your self-esteem does not deserve recognition, stop. Try to step in front of a mirror and remind yourself that you are deserving of the things you want.

When things are not going your way, job hunting, relationships, work, or family. Try to not allow your emotions to invite your vices to help “correct or ease” the problem. It will only make things worse. We need companions, internally and externally. If your internal companions are the ones encouraging self-loathing and destruction, then close the door on that. Focus on the external factors and things that will help show you how great of a person you could become.

If you stay friends with the little voice in the back of your mind that says,
“screw it, no one likes us, hell you don’t even like you!”
Don’t take that drink, swallow that pill or puff that joint. If you do, you will find that the feeling of your life being ruined or going nowhere will become a reality. From experience, trust me on that.

I was and currently am dealing with the consequences of listening to that voice in my head, telling me I am no good. That I can’t accomplish anything and that I am total fuck up.

I have had a harsh reality punch me in the gut. I do not cry. No, instead I mourn for the slight bit of intelligence I may have had. I harbor resentment to the stupidity that reigns in my mind for the past years. The only thing that I can do at this point is move on. Accept responsibility and try to remember that I may not be worth much right now, but I will be. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

 

 

4 ways to get back on your feet

It has been said that if you were ever to find yourself lost at sea with no floatation device, it is best to not flail about. You need to conserve your energy. When your life has a turn of negative events, do not drown in the misery. Conserve that energy to get yourself out of the water. This is something I have realized I need to do.

I have had a few downs as of late. I have been fixated on how terrible I feel, instead of focusing on making it better. This mindset in turn makes me feel worse. Misery loves company they say. This is not how to deal with life and the problems that occur in it.

Don’t get me wrong, it is okay to feel sad or burdened, but you must move on and continue living a beneficial life. Focusing on what went wrong and the how’s and why’s will do nothing but make you feel worse.

Here are a few examples of what I have done and will be doing to get myself out of the water and running back on land.

1. Excerise

We all have heard that physical activity is good for your whole body. It’s true. Whether it’s walking, running, yoga, or even ping pong. Being active gets those endophrones going and makes you feel better.

2. Diet

According to Harvard, what you eat does affect your mood and behavior. Think about it, if you get hungry, and don’t get to eat, you become unpleasant. I know I do.

3. Encouraging yourself

A few years back I went into a deep depression. Despite seeing a therapist and medication, I was still depressed. I had little hope of getting better. I started doing #100happydays. I would take a photo of something, some place or person that made me happy everyday for 100 days. This encouraged me to focus on the positives in my life.

4. Expression

Another outlet was art. I would write in my journal. I would sketch and paint with no purpose. When I was restless I would turn to my pen or canvas. If there is something that you like to do, crafts, art, music, get to it! You don’t need a subject, just do.

These four different but at least in my experience effective ways can help you get out of the negative space that you have created in your mind. Remember happy mind equals happy life.

Un-Lucky

I am apart of a cruel act that has been going on for a week now.

My dog has been suffering. I have been wanting to put him out of his misery. Why havent I? Several not okay reasons. I dont want him to die. That’s my baby.

The main factor is my Thai mother. My mother will not allow him to be put down. She is a devoted Buddhist. She truly believes it is wrong to kill him or any animal.

              *                       *                     * Currently sitting on an airplane waiting to depart from Boise, ID, to Seattle, WA. My eyes are burning and sore. I have a tension headache to my right temporal lobe and my heart has taken leave. In its place a steel toe boot is kicking the shell of what was there. Dramatic, but pretty accurate, figuratively.

When I was a little girl, my daddy promised me two things. One, that we would go to Disney World. Two, when we moved to America, after a year we would get a dog. 

I had to wait till I was eight to go to Disney World. Five years later we moved to America. As promised, a year later I got my puppy.

Lucky and I grew up together. When we first met he was pulling on a dandelion and fell right into my hands and smiled. 

“Found my dog!” I said to my dad. 

I was so eager to be with him that the breeder allowed us to take him home at three weeks old. 

Late nights of him whimpering. Piss stained sheets and chewed up shoes became the norm.

Frustration would occur, but I didn’t care. He was my dog. He followed me everywhere. As Lucky became an adult, I was becoming a teenager. 

The attention ratio was not in Luckys favor. He was always ecstatic to see me. Unforuantly, Lucky became apart of the background. 

Once I was 18, I would move back overseas. Coming in and out of the U.S. for a number of years. 

A dogs love truly is unwavering. Once I moved back home I was still to busy for fetch or belly rubs.  

Every place I lived did not allow dogs. Honestly even if I did find a place, my mother would fight me to the death before letting me take Lucky away from her. Despite his favoritism. 

Now I am an adult and my baby is no longer that. No, he is an old man. Who doesn’t eat. Throws up every ounce of water he swallows. He can’t even get up to go outside. Which means he soils himself and can barely move away from it. 

         *                        *                         *

Before leaving for the airport, I went to see my poor boy who could no longer greet me at the door with his wagging tail. Lucky was laying on the cold tile floor waiting to die. 

That was it. I could no longer be a part of this kind of torture. I bawled. Laying my head on his side. I made the choice to end this. I was sobbing on the phone while making his final appointment. I was still being selfish…I did not have the courage to do it myself. I tried to get my father to do it. 

Sadly, come to find out, Lucky was not taken in. My dog was still being tortured, while I was in Belltown, WA getting drunk. When I get back to Boise, the suffering will end.

In life there will be times where you must choose the lesser of two evils. The pain I feel will surpass. Lucky’s pain will not. 

Tech-NO

This afternoon while going through my Snapchat, I came across a few snaps I posted that mortified me. It is sad to say but this is not the first time I have made an ass out of myself on social media.

Our generation has become accustomed to airing out our dirty laundry on social media. I have, usually when i am under the influence… But a lot of people do it sober. 

If you are mad at someone you post it. You are dissatisfied with something, you tweet about it and tag the person or place that upset you. It is so frustrating! Technology is one of those things that can improve lives or that can end lives. 

I think we need to step back and think about what it is that we put out on the internet. It seems socially acceptable to post awful moments we are going through. Our president tweets all his frustrations on a weekly basis. Our thoughts, good or bad has become entertainment for everyone else. 

Do you think it’s okay for us to be entertained by another’s actions? Even if that means on a drunken night posting a photo you wish you hadn’t. Or perhaps tweeting about an ex. Making fun of someone else because you don’t like the way you are? 

We need to teach ourselves and future generations how to better cope with the emotions that come with living this life. I’m coming around to the idea that perhaps we need to lay off the social media and technology.